by: Christine Anne Arana
Have you ever experienced seeking validation from other people? Are you an overthinker? Did you experience hanging out with friends feeling ecstatic but at the end of the day when you’re alone, you feel empty and lost? Are you worried even about little things? If your answer to all these questions is yes, this means you are not reading this by accident, God appointed you to be here. And if not, God chose you to be here.
Looking back, I used to be an overthinker and worry too much. I always seek validation from my friends, pleasing them, doing them a favor to the extent that even when I am occupied, I’d still say yes. I have had a lot of “happy hangout” moments before but ended up feeling empty when I am alone in my room.
Thinking of it now, I feel that I failed myself. I missed the chance to grow on my own because I am afraid to be left behind. I lived my life every single day trying to please everyone for them to accept me, to love me. I am always longing for affirmation and seeing them happy about the things that I do for them is what makes me happy too. It became a lifestyle until one day, my parents decided to move back to our hometown for good. And at that moment I began to worry because all my friends are in Davao and I am in Gensan, my hometown. A lot of “what ifs” ran in my head and it began to control me losing my inner peace, losing confidence, everything in just a snap. But as years pass by, I went back to my old self, the same thing I did when I was in Davao. I got the influence of speaking foul words, drinking alcohol; and even being ungrateful to God for my existence.
Little did I know I lost the fire; I don’t know why I am still alive; I am afraid of what is to come in my college days. Change is inevitable, but that is what I am most afraid to happen in my life. I just love things the way it is. Then comes the darkest moment in my life. From one problem to another problem; from family, academic aspect, friendship, financial struggle, and even self-worth struggle.
But God moves mysteriously indeed! Consistently for the past 6 years, God was trying to get me back in His arms, but I always rejected Him, taking His love for granted. However, in my deepest darkest moment He was that very person I cried my heart out. And at that moment when I felt lost, I felt hopeless, when my heart was in pain from all that I have done, and I prayed to God, asking Him to take me back in His arms. At that instance, I heard Him, telling me that it was going to be alright and that He got my back. So, right there and then I decided to walk with God, and this time there is no turning back.
Walking with God isn’t easy, especially when I am so used to worldly things, it is a great challenge for me because this will completely change my life. Change is what my old self was so afraid to happen, and deciding to come back home in His arms, is such a huge step of becoming a better version of myself. Since the day I decided to walk with Him, it is a long way process, it didn’t happen instantly. Every single day, I am progressing, that’s what I thought. For the first few months, progress was slow, but even though I felt that way, I continued doing what God told me to do: prayer and devotion.
Unknowingly, my family and some of my friends began to see the change in me, especially my attitude and aura. I didn’t think that I was changing, not until my friend told me that there is something in me that changed big time.
Having an intimate relationship with God gave me inner peace; the moment I decided to go back home, my anxiety, worries, and all the negative habits that cause my peace were gone. Jesus gave me peace and joy. But the fact is still there that walking with Him doesn’t mean I am free from trials or problems; it doesn’t work that way. The struggles are still there, but what made it different this time is that Jesus is with me, that is the ultimate difference. Whenever trial comes my way, when the enemy deceives my capabilities to do, He is there to remind me that I am worthy, I am loved, I am enough, and He will provide and take care of me.
These reminders made my mind at peace. Though I am struggling in some areas right now, I am not the same person as I was before. My old self would usually worry a lot and suffer insomnia, and always have questions in my mind but now, I am the version that God wanted me all those years. A version that is full of joy and peace in my heart, mind, and soul.
The year 2021 is chaos “a roller coaster ride” for me. A year that is full of breakdown moments to the point “na nakaingon ko na: wala namay week na dili ko mag breakdown oy” I cried almost every day feeling like God wasn’t with me, I felt like He doesn’t see me at all, I was at my peak and then I cried kneeling and asking “God, are you seeing what I am going through? “Lord naa pa ba kaha ko saimong mga kamot?”. I admit, 2021 is a year full of compromise, “aminado ko daghan kaykog lapses kay Lord, daghan kaayo kog gipang compromise sakong Time with the Lord”; yet I am trying hard to keep holding His hand. I engaged myself in prayer, listening to podcasts and encouragement however it did not stop the enemy. The enemy continuously sought to break me, destroy me, to steal everything from me, and at that moment I cried my heart out again to God and He saw how broken I am, and spoke to me “the eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.” (Proverbs 15:3). This verse confirmed that God saw how broken I am, “gi-remind jud ko ni Lord na He is everywhere”. He sees the things that we can’t see, even the silent battles every person is facing. Did you know His answer to my question if I am still with Him? He answered me “I took you from the pasture, from tending the flock, and appointed you to rule over my people Israel. I have been with you wherever you have gone, and I have cut off all your enemies from before you. Now I will make your name like the names of the greatest men on earth.” (1 Chronicles 17:7-10)
After receiving what God told me, I cried, but I cried with peace in my heart and mind this time. Not only did God assure that He saw how broken I am, but He gave me the perfect peace I needed at that moment. He assured me that He will never leave my side, He assured me that He never let go of my hand. He knows how tired I am dealing with my struggles in every aspect of my life, and only in His Word, I have found peace.
But in this journey, I know that I will still be facing some challenges and it can be much more difficult than before. Thankfully I have strong support, He led to people who are total strangers that turned into a family, my spiritual family. God knows how grateful I am to be part of a ministry, without these people God has placed in my life, maybe I’m still lost and discouraged. I am grateful to my Family, Friends, Relentless Hijas Family, BCC Family, and Y2DN Family who stayed by my side continually reminding me of how God loved and treasured me so much. But one thing is for sure, I wouldn’t be here if not because of Jesus.
Jesus is the peace to my restless soul, He is the peace when my thoughts wage war, and He is the peace when my heart is anxious. Jesus is my keeper of Peace. And He never fails to keep His promise to me and that is Perfect Peace. I am telling you today, let Him retrieve the peace that is lost inside of you. He is just waiting for you to come home; it’s never too late to come home.
I encourage you today, to come back in His arms. After reading this, take a moment to pause and pray, “Jesus takes me home with you, I’ll gladly come back in your arms again. I want to have my peace and joy back.”
“The Lord waits for you to come to Him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.” – Isaiah 30:18
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