By: Alshein Faith T. Aboy
In the year 2020, during the surge of the pandemic, I graduated college. Everything got delayed since then, or at least on my timeline.
“We all make plans, but the Lord’s purpose prevails.” Proverbs 19:21(NLT)
And there’s nothing we can do about that; either we honour it and wait for His plan to unravel. Or we murmur, grumble, depress ourselves with things beyond our control, and put everything at stake – peace, joy, hope, sanity, friendship, relationships, and faith; just because of a sudden mishap, delay, failure, rejection yada yada.
I chose the latter.
Before our graduation, the first delay was our final exam. I grumbled so much about how it further lengthened my agony, not acknowledging the favor it supposedly was. Because if the delay didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have graduated, I suppose, should have failed. The second delay was the Licensure Exam, twice. My main objective for acquiring an engineer’s license was for my grandmother. I wanted to repay her for all the financial support my parents received from her while I was studying. But, she was diagnosed with cancer —stage 3 and died eight months later. The summer of 2021 was the worst for me; everything was dark. My room was dark; I refused to go out. I stayed in the dark, seldom took a bath, ate, and continued reading the Bible but stopped praying. The fear of remaining where I was at that time, achieving nothing and doing nothing, was so great I wished not to wake up the next day – no purpose, no will left to live; all because things got delayed. In October 2021, I took the Licensure exam and failed. I tried so hard and still ended up unsuccessful. I blamed my surroundings, my circumstance, and the pandemic. I blamed it on everything else except my grumbling. Slowly, silently, self-pity and contempt crept into the crevices of my entire existence. In April 2022, I took my second attempt at the Licensure Exam and failed— again. Back in 2019, later that year, it was our last semester. Our Department of Electronics Engineering hired a review centre for our 600 classes (Pre-review classes).
One day during one of our classes, I clearly remember our reviewer for a particular subject shared his experience while preparing for the Licensure Exam, and these were the exact words he said: “Kabalo mo class, kaning sa board exam, ang usual nga mabagsak kato mang mga Christian Christian, ga God-god, G12, disciple-disciple, nya kanang ga walwal, gainom inom ra samtang ga review, one take ra.” And I was sitting right in front of him. I remember one of my classmates in the back said; I didn’t recognize who, “Hala si Alshein”; why me? Hearing those words that day, sitting in front of that reviewer, with my head held down, I sincerely told God, “Lord, help me na dili tika mapakaulawan ug ing ana, help me to disprove his statement”. Our reviewer that day was years older than us. Why did he have such statements? Because it is prevalent? Since then, until now, and no matter how much we declare, “You will be the head and not the tail” Deuteronomy 28:13. Hearing those words from that reviewer didn’t challenge me like most people compelled me to; it scared me. I was desperate.
“Lord, help me disprove what he said, please.” Failing the Licensure exam twice proved what he said was true. I was desperate to disprove other people’s perceptions of what a Christian person is. And as a student who always struggled in class, failed 15 subjects in college, and had seven incomplete grades. I went to 2 universities because I got kicked out of the first one for failing all my courses in one semester; I became even more desperate, and I almost lost my sanity.
Lesson #1 Don’t be desperate, proving/disproving your or other people’s perception. That is subtle revenge. “Revenge is the Lord’s,” not a weight you should carry.
Back in the year 2020, while my grandmother was still alive, I tried “so hard” to focus on my review and refused to talk to people. I couldn’t sleep well; because I was desperate. I was desperate to pay off my grandmother for all the support she had given my parents. Acquiring an engineer’s license – something she stopped longing for ever since she got diagnosed with cancer. What she longed for me was conversations with me, my help, my prayers, and my time.
Lesson #2 Don’t be so desperate to obtain tangible things that you neglect what’s important – time with your family, your peace, your joy, your sanity; you.
While preparing for the Licensure exams, I always had the thought of being able to disprove a particular person I don’t know and shouldn’t have cared about; and have that as my testimony. Honour God, show off He’s good, flex Him, flex me. Not realizing God is sovereign. He is the author and creator of life, everything revolves around Him, and everything moves and has its being in Him.
Lesson # 3 In our life and all creation, God is the protagonist, and Jesus already is. The protagonist doesn’t need to flex Himself; He is already worthy of praise. And He is receiving it more than we ever know. There’s no mistake we do that can stain it. And there's no victory from His people that can add up to His glory. He has all the glory.
In all the delays I encountered during the pandemic— rejections, failures, losses, and desperation of acquiring a license, a job, being of good financial help to my parents, etc. Not being able to do these on “schedule,” I saw myself as a failure, a pity, a disgrace, and all the OA adjectives I could label myself. I started losing confidence; I couldn’t communicate well. I lost so much weight, barely slept, barely ate, stopped doing ministry, and lost all reason to live. Not realizing my identity is in Christ, not in the things I acquire.
Lesson #4 Titles, degree, position, and salary, do not define you; the mundane things do, the things that already became natural to you when you became a child of GOD – the things you always take for granted.
One of the reasons I stayed in the ministry, and continued connecting to my spiritual support system, was because of the peace, joy, contentment, and clarity it gave me; regardless of how insane things are happening, in Christ, I stayed sane. And I took that for granted. I took my easy access to God’s presence for granted and took virtual communication with my support system for granted. I took all the means of staying on fire for God – reading His Word, communicating with Him, with His people, spending time with the Holy Spirit, acknowledging and honouring His presence; everything for granted. In short, I dried up my oil.
Lesson #5 When you compromise, you lose.
We make plans; we have goals, pursuits, schedules, etc. In all these things, may we learn to enjoy the process, stop being desperate, let go of what we can’t control, and grab on to Who controls the universe and holds everything in His hands. Remember! that the God you serve, believe in, and long for, is stable. He is kind; He doesn’t want you to perish nor deprive you of the good things, He knows what is good for you, and that is why we go through certain things. If you don’t trust and honor God enough, you will culminate in hating Him. Not everything we perceive is right. Most of what we see on the surface, the things we thought would make us happy, and give our lives meaning, are the things that won’t.
“We don’t know what the future holds,” this statement became vivid to me during the pandemic. What I do know, experienced forgot, and come back to is this: God is good, regardless.
Lesson #6 Let go.
The verse I have held on to during my college years was this: “Do your best, prepare for the worst – then trust God to bring victory.” Proverbs 21:31 (The Message).
While the motto I had also revolved around that verse, “Work hard, pray harder, prepare for the worst. Then trust God to bring victory”. While I was preparing for my third try taking the Licensure exam— slowly, silent faith, hope, peace, contentment, and clarity crept into the crevices of my heart. As I was studying, still doing my part – preparing for rain, I decided to trust God’s timeline and stopped trying to force things. How I wish I didn’t put these things at stake while I was trying to “be someone.” How I wish I kept my oil refilled again and again and not let it dry down; How I wish I trusted God through all this and not lost myself along the way.
Lesson #7 Nothing that dies the Lord cannot revive.
“Then once more you shall see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between one who serves God and one who does not serve Him.” Malachi 3:18
“For I,' says the LORD, 'will be a wall of fire all around her, and I will be the glory in her midst.” Zechariah 2:5
1 Degree
2 Universities
15 Failed Subjects
7 Incomplete Grades
7 Years in College
2 Failed Licensure Exams
Engr Alshein Faith T Aboy ECE, ECT
Civil Service Eligibility
TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY!
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